Chapter 4

Port Charles, NY - December, 1999

Things were a little better. They weren’t great, and I still missed Elizabeth like crazy, but with her in New York, it wasn’t so painful. I’d had some time to think things over, and was starting to realize that I had made a mistake. Breaking up with Elizabeth was only hurting us more than staying together ever could. I knew she had to be as miserable as I was. We had been so in love back then, how could I have just thrown it away over one bad night?

One bad night? How ironic that those were the exact words my mother used once to describe the time my father raped her. It had sounded so incredibly ridiculous to me then, but now I kind of understood what she meant. I had come to terms with their past a while ago, and had accepted the fact that he had raped her, and that she chose to love him despite his mistake. They made a life together, had two children, and loved each other more deeply than anyone else I had ever seen.

One bad night. It may not have been the same situation, but in essence, the circumstances weren’t too different. Only this time, I chose to run. Instead of letting our love get us through it, I got scared. What if my father had done that? Would my mother have been happier without him and the life they had? Probably not. Would Elizabeth be happier if we were still together? I knew I would have been.

*~*~*~

New York City

The semester was over, and it was time for Winter Break. After a lot of deliberation, I had decided to go back to Port Charles, and spend the holidays with my grandmother. I wasn’t looking forward to it, because it meant I would probably run into Lucky at one time or another. Being in New York had helped ease the pain of our breakup a little bit, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to deal with it head-on again.

Leaving New York also meant leaving my new boyfriend, David. We had been seeing each other for about a month, and he was really nice. He was in some of my art classes, and had sort of been pursuing me all semester. I finally decided that I should give him a chance. He was kind, sweet, gentle, everything a girl could want. But he wasn’t Lucky. He knew about my rape, and was very understanding, and I told him a little about Lucky, although I watered it down so that he came across as just a crush and not my one true love. Deep down, I knew it would always be Lucky, no matter who I was with.

David wanted to go home with me, but I wasn’t ready to deal with something that serious. Really, I think I wasn’t ready to deal with him and Lucky being in the same town. It was too much to think about, too complicated. I just wanted to go home and be with Gram, have a simple Christmas, then come back to school and resume my life. Christmas was going to be hard, though, since that’s when Lucky and I first said “I love you” to each other. I still wore the ring he gave me. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t bring myself to take it off.

*~*~*~

Port Charles

I had been doing more work for L&B lately. There still wasn’t enough for an entire album, but V had talked me into doing a small show at Luke’s the week before Christmas. I don’t know why I agreed, but I did. I figured that with Elizabeth in New York, it wouldn’t be so bad. What I didn’t know at that time was that she had planned to spend her Winter Break with Audrey right here in Port Charles.

When I wasn’t recording for L&B, I did some work at my dad’s club. I computerized his books for him, and would fill in for some of the waiters if they couldn’t make it to their shifts. I did it to fill the time, to keep from dwelling on what could have been with Elizabeth. I also took a few classes at PCU, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go full-time. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be a college student. I needed to sort out my life first.

With Christmas coming up, it was a little easier to distract myself. I went shopping for gifts for my family, even bought something for Nikolas this time. I took Lulu to see Santa Claus one afternoon, smiling for the first time in ages at the way she lit up. Another day I went with my Dad to cut down a Christmas tree, then helped Mom and Lulu decorate it. It was nice to be a family again, especially around the holidays. If I let myself think too much, I would start to remember last year, when I was estranged from my parents, and spent Christmas with Elizabeth. That was the day we first said “I love you.” It was hard sometimes to imagine how much had changed since then.

*~*~*~

I got to Port Charles a few weeks before Christmas and went straight to my grandmother’s house. It was the one place I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about running into Lucky. She was happy to see me, but she also knew ho hard being home would be for me. Once I was settled in, I decided to call Emily. We had kept in touch while I was at school, and she was probably my only true friend those days.

I wanted to avoid any chance of seeing Lucky for the moment, so I agreed to meet with her at her house, instead of going to Kelly’s or somewhere else more public. We talked for a while about old times, she told me what she had been doing lately, and I told her about David. She was surprised, and I think a little disappointed to hear about him. I tried to sound enthusiastic, like I actually loved him, but I’m sure she didn’t buy it. I even went so far as to say that I had realized that what I had felt for Lucky wasn’t really love, that it was just some weird infatuation, a side effect from my rape recovery. I don’t know if she bought that, either, but I said it anyway.

It was good to see Emily again, to reconnect with someone other than my grandmother. She had always been a good friend to me, even after Lucky and I had broken up. I knew she wanted us to get back together, but it was obvious that wasn’t going to happen, and I think after a while, she realized it too. She told me she was happy for me for finding someone else. I tried to act happy, so she wouldn’t know how much I was really hurting inside.

*~*~*~

I ran into Emily one day, and she told me that Elizabeth was in town for the holidays. Part of me was happy, but at the same time, I was afraid. I didn’t know what seeing her again would do to me. Maybe I could talk to her, apologize for my behavior that night. Maybe we still had a chance to patch things up between us. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to hope for that, because the next thing Emily told me nearly killed me.

She said that Elizabeth had a new boyfriend. Some guy from her art classes named David. She said she loved him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could she love someone else so soon? I couldn’t even imagine looking at another girl yet, let alone dating one! As if doubting her feeling weren’t enough, then Emily had to kick me while I was down and tell me that Elizabeth told her she never really loved me, that she thought her feelings were just confused from the rape. I couldn’t breathe. There was no way that what we had was anything less than true love. No way at all.

I took a walk that afternoon, trying to forget what Emily had said. I cut through the park on my way home, lost in my thoughts. Suddenly, I found myself at the fountain. The ground was covered in snow, and there was no one else around. I sat down on the bench and sighed, trying to figure out how to go on knowing that Elizabeth didn’t love me anymore. I heard footsteps and looked up, only to find myself looking at an angel.

“Oh, um, hi,” she said nervously. She had obviously not expected to see me there. I stood up, not sure if I was ready to see her yet.

“Hi,” I said, for lack of anything else to say. “How are you?”

“Okay,” she answered uncomfortably. “You?”

“Fine, I guess. I ran into Emily earlier. She told me you were in town,” I said, not sure why I was telling her. Admitting that I knew was only making things hurt worse. She was so beautiful, how could I have let her go?

“Oh,” she muttered, looking down at the ground. I knew she was wondering if I knew about her new boyfriend, and trying to decide if she should tell me. I decided to make things easy for her.

“She told me about David, too,” I said simply, looking down as well. I just couldn’t bring myself to look at her after saying that.

“She did?” Elizabeth asked quietly, her voice breaking slightly. I could tell she was uncomfortable talking about him with me, so I stood up.

“Yeah, um, I better go. See you around.” I quickly hurried out of the park so she wouldn’t see that I had started crying. What I didn’t know was that she was crying too.

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