Chapter 1

New York City, April 1999

“I love you, Elizabeth,” I whispered, kissing her more passionately with each passing second. This was the moment we had both been waiting for, the night that we would make love for the first time. I was trying to be as gentle as possible, to not rush her in any way, but at the same time, I wanted her so badly, it was getting more and more difficult to think straight.

“I love you too, Lucky,” she said breathlessly, as I began to kiss her neck. Her skin tasted so sweet. She started to pull off my shirt, so I stopped and sat up long enough for her to get it over my head. Once it was off, she started to run her hands over my chest, her touch sending chills down my spine. I slowly unbuttoned her blouse, my breath catching at how beautiful she was. I leaned down and placed a gentle kiss between her breasts, stopping when I heard her gasp.

“Are you okay?” I asked, worried that I had moved too fast, but she smiled at me and nodded. I continued my slow exploration of her body, pausing every once and a while to make sure she was okay with it. She seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was. After a lot of kissing and caressing, I looked into her beautiful brown eyes, waiting for her to signal that she was ready to take the next step.

*~*~*~

“I love you, Elizabeth,” he whispered, as his kisses became more and more hungry. I returned them passionately, feeling a fire inside me that I had never felt before. I knew that this was going to be the night. Tonight, Lucky and I would finally make love. I was nervous, of course, but I was also excited. For the past few months, our relationship had grown more serious, and I had been finding myself wanting to do more than just kiss. I could tell he felt the same way, but he was always so careful with me, so afraid that he would move to fast or too far.

“I love you too, Lucky,” I said, my breath catching in my throat as he moved down to kiss my neck. If he only knew what that did to me! I sighed and tugged at his shirt. He sat back and allowed me to remove it, smiling as I gently touched his chest. He was so beautiful, I could hardly believe he was even real sometimes. He reached down and began to unbutton my blouse, and my heart fluttered. He removed my shirt and leaned down, kissing my chest. I gasped as a shock passed through me, causing him to look up with concern.

“Are you okay?” he asked quietly. I smiled and nodded, unable to find my voice. He continued to move over my body, kissing and caressing me, bringing out new sensations with every touch. I felt like I was on fire as I ran my hands down his back and over his finely sculpted chest. Finally, he stopped and looked at me. I was immediately lost in his gorgeous blue eyes, so full of love and tenderness. I knew he was waiting for me to let him know that I was ready, that I wanted him to make love to me.

*~*~*~

Elizabeth smiled up at me, then raised her head slightly, meeting my lips. She pulled me back down on top of her, expressing through her kiss all the passion she was feeling. I reached over for the condom that was sitting on the nightstand and sat up, fumbling for a moment as my shaking fingers tried to tear open the wrapper. After a moment of fighting with it, she reached up and took it from me, using her teeth to rip the foil, then handed it back to me. I chuckled at her method of opening it, then quickly finished the task.

I looked back at her, gently brushing a strand of hair out of her face, swallowing nervously. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I asked, my voice trembling. The last thing I wanted to do was rush her into anything, no matter how badly I wanted her at that moment. If I hurt her, I could never live with myself.

She smiled and reached up to touch my face. “Yes, Lucky, I’m sure.” I leaned down to kiss her, moving my body on top of hers. I opened my eyes to find that she was looking at me.

“Ready?” I asked one more time, just to be sure.

“Mm-hm,” she mumbled, closing her eyes again as I lowered my mouth onto hers for another kiss. We both shifted our weight slightly as our bodies joined.

*~*~*~

I smiled at him, then raised my head to kiss him, pulling him down onto me, letting him know through my kiss that I was ready. He sat up and reached for the condom that was sitting on the nightstand, and I watched with amusement as he nervously tried to open the wrapper. Seeing that he wasn’t getting anywhere with it, I took it from him a ripped it open with my teeth, then handed it back to him. He chuckled as he took it from me.

Once he had finished with it, he looked back at me, tenderly brushing some hair out of my face. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asked nervously. I was touched by his concern, that no matter how much he wanted to make love to me, he still wanted to make sure that I was okay.

Smiling, I reached up and gently caressed his face. He was my angel, how could he ever hurt me? “Yes, Lucky, I’m sure,” I said, as he leaned down to kiss me. He moved his body on top of mine, supporting his weight on his elbows so he wouldn’t crush me. After a few more moments of kissing, I knew he was going to stop and ask me one more time, so I opened my eyes and waited. As if on cue, his eyes opened, meeting mine.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Mm-hm,” I answered, not sure if I trusted myself to say anything else. I closed my eyes as he lowered his lips to mine again, and we both shifted ourselves slightly. As soon our bodies became one, I had a flash of my rape. Suddenly, I was back on that park bench, a hand clamped over my mouth.

*~*~*~

Suddenly, she tensed up. “No!” she breathed frantically. I quickly stopped and reached down to touch her face, to comfort her. Her eyes were wild, and she didn’t seem to be seeing me.

“Shh, Elizabeth, it’s me, it’s Lucky,” I said soothingly, moving off of her. I continued to caress her face, pushing her hair out of her eyes, trying to bring her back to me. She backed away from me, nearly falling off the bed, clutching the sheet to her chest.

“No! Not again! Go away!” she said, more loudly this time, her voice shaking with fear. I sat back and ran a hand nervously through my hair, unsure what to do.

“Elizabeth, you’re okay. It’s me. I love you, I’d never hurt you. Please, look at me,” I pleaded, reaching out for her. She shook her head as though trying to block out whatever she was seeing and closed her eyes. After taking a few deep breaths, she opened them again. This time, they were focused on my face, and recognition sunk in.

“Lucky,” she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears. I reached for her, but instead of moving into my arms, she jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom. A moment later I heard the shower turn on. I sighed and waited for her to come out, hoping that I could fix whatever damage I had just done. After a long shower, she came out of the bathroom in a robe. She tightened the belt, then climbed carefully into the bed next to me, rolling onto her side, her back to me. She sighed quietly and went to sleep.

*~*~*~

“No!” I whispered, trying to block out the vision, but it was too strong. I could feel him touch my face, but I couldn’t stop the pictures from flashing through my mind.

“Shh, Elizabeth, it’s me, it’s Lucky.” I could hear his voice in the distance, but I could still smell the spicy soap as he pulled me into the bushes. He was touching my face, brushing my hair aside. I backed away, trying to escape, looking at Lucky, but seeing my rapist instead.

“No! Not again! Go away!” I said, more forcefully this time, causing him to take his hand away.

“Elizabeth, you’re okay. It’s me. I love you, I’d never hurt you. Please, look at me.” I could hear his voice, but it was only throwing me farther into my nightmare. I saw him reach for me and was choked with fear. I closed my eyes, praying it would all go away. After taking a few deep breaths, I opened them again. The rapist was gone, and Lucky was sitting there, looking at me fearfully, his eyes filled with concern.

“Lucky,” I whispered as my eyes started to water. I knew he was worried about me, that he was afraid he had done something to hurt me, but it wasn’t his fault. It was me. I was never going to be able to make love to him without remembering that night in the park. I could never be there for him the way he needed me. He deserved a normal girl, someone who could give herself to him completely. Lucky reached out to me, and I fought every instinct that was telling me to fly into his arms. Instead I backed off of the bed and hurried into the bathroom. I jumped in the shower, letting the hot water wash away the memory of what had happened. Once the shower began to cool down, I got out and put on a robe. I left the bathroom, making sure the belt was tight, then reluctantly got into the bed next to him. I laid down with my back to him, not ready to deal with everything yet, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.

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